wild ride, stubborn ways

lately, I've been rather inspired not by what I'm reading, but by songs I've heard. I have a small network of friends that send me texts, IMs, Facebook posts, etc. of songs or song lyrics that they think I'll like. As they share them with me, I sometimes listen to the songs on repeat for hours, attempting to format the correct response to them. Often it's just a 'thank you,' sometimes it's more than that. The past couple of posts have focused on music I've come across, either through those outlets or on my own, that have inspired me. Not sure how long this kick will run, but it may become a strong trend for the future of this blog.

Here's the latest inspiration, followed by the song:

You’re hurting me. I don’t think you realize how much you’re hurting me. Let me try to explain it to you. It’s like a burning, a tightening, nauseating and painful, a roller coaster ride that never ends, slowly pulls into the loading zone, only to begin again. You’re like a sick disease, your words are poison in my veins. My strength is unyielding, my stubborn heart too proud to let go. I tried to end it, many times. You won’t let me, and while I promised to not get attached, to let it roll off my shoulders, I’m wooed by attacks of false hope and sweet words, only to be blindsided with her love for you. Every time we take a step closer, I let my guard down just a little, I’m hurt by it. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was only a game. I know what I’m in for, I know it’s no good, but really, I can’t stop myself. I watch as I torment, I’m separated and torn. My friends provide comfort to deaf ears. I need answers, I need reasons. I don’t want to hold on to something that’s not there, and I refuse to continue riding this ride. It’s not fun anymore. I promised I’d never make you pick, I don’t expect you to, I don’t want you to. But, as my friend, you have to stop toying with my emotions.

32 flavors

a dear friend of mine always shares music with me, usually pieces that she knows will stick with me. below is the most recent selection she's shared, which I'm really loving.




squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

naturally unattached

Have you ever watched a bird family? The adult pair spends weeks, months building and preparing the perfect nest for their eggs. Once they’ve settled on the tree, house, they labor every day gathering the right sticks, the necessary pieces of grass to craft a small work of art. Once it’s complete, they’re wholly dedicated to sitting on their eggs, taking turns, never leaving them alone, protecting their children while they remain so vulnerable. After some time, the eggs hatch, and again, the parents labor. They have to fetch food, protect their children. The ultimate payoff comes that first day when the little birds begin to spread their wings and fly. Sometimes they fall, sometimes they struggle, but eventually they soar.

I frequently bring this parallel between a bird family and my family to question. Some birds were born ready to fly; they’re unafraid of spreading their wings and taking that first leap out of the nest. Others take more time, slowly transitioning into the scary, unprotected world. They’ll leave and come back.

Naturally I wonder which is the better bird: the one that takes flight too early, or the one that cautiously approaches life. Where is the balance, the thin line between too early and too late?

I’m a flyer, a frequent flyer at that—my father and I joke that I was walking around on the ground below the tree long before my wings were fully developed. And while the payoffs of leaving the nest early are evident in my accomplishments, I’ve also lost some valuable development. I’ve heard it described as “fearlessness;” I’ve always labeled it as “naivety.” I’m not afraid, no, and I’m not dumb, but I’m still just a little bird taking to flight. There are challenges that come with the beautiful view.

As my life begins to take form, as the choices are more important and substantial than what to do Friday night, I wonder if I’m ready for these big decisions. I wonder if chasing dreams, a flight I launched years ago, is a beautiful challenge I’m prepared to handle. To what extent can I continue to uproot myself, for myself? What sacrifices are necessary, what sacrifices are selfish?

Then I remember, even a bird settles sometime, and while I took to flight early on, it doesn’t mean I’m ready to nest.

falling slowly - kris allen

i love this song. it's helping me get through the remainder of my afternoon.

graduated and unemployed...

It’s an interesting time to be a recent college graduate in America. For starters, you’re joining the workforce in one of the most powerful and influential countries in the world. American’s are lucky like that; they have opportunity, or at least a perceived opportunity ahead of them. On the other hand, America is facing one of the most difficult financial times since the Great Depression—or so I’ve heard. The current workforce—including those recent graduates—is comprised of some of the most prestigious intellectuals of all time. Not only is the job market tough, but it’s well-qualified.

I was lucky enough to get a head start so to speak on the dismal job market. A good friend of mine recently moved to the DC area and in his pursuit of a well-paid job, I’ve watched what I could be going through if I had waited to graduate. In an effort to aid my fellow graduates of 2009, I came across this article published by the PRSA on strategies for those graduated but not yet employed. It has a few key messages that can aid anyone in their job search.

rollin'

so, I apologize, I really dropped the ball on my whole seven posts promise. Things have been hectic.. but starting this week, I will actually take the time to blog.. weekly at the least. I pray that eventually I'll be up to seven posts a week and it won't be because of some arbitrary decision, but because I've been inspired to spend the time and share my thoughts.