wild ride, stubborn ways

lately, I've been rather inspired not by what I'm reading, but by songs I've heard. I have a small network of friends that send me texts, IMs, Facebook posts, etc. of songs or song lyrics that they think I'll like. As they share them with me, I sometimes listen to the songs on repeat for hours, attempting to format the correct response to them. Often it's just a 'thank you,' sometimes it's more than that. The past couple of posts have focused on music I've come across, either through those outlets or on my own, that have inspired me. Not sure how long this kick will run, but it may become a strong trend for the future of this blog.

Here's the latest inspiration, followed by the song:

You’re hurting me. I don’t think you realize how much you’re hurting me. Let me try to explain it to you. It’s like a burning, a tightening, nauseating and painful, a roller coaster ride that never ends, slowly pulls into the loading zone, only to begin again. You’re like a sick disease, your words are poison in my veins. My strength is unyielding, my stubborn heart too proud to let go. I tried to end it, many times. You won’t let me, and while I promised to not get attached, to let it roll off my shoulders, I’m wooed by attacks of false hope and sweet words, only to be blindsided with her love for you. Every time we take a step closer, I let my guard down just a little, I’m hurt by it. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was only a game. I know what I’m in for, I know it’s no good, but really, I can’t stop myself. I watch as I torment, I’m separated and torn. My friends provide comfort to deaf ears. I need answers, I need reasons. I don’t want to hold on to something that’s not there, and I refuse to continue riding this ride. It’s not fun anymore. I promised I’d never make you pick, I don’t expect you to, I don’t want you to. But, as my friend, you have to stop toying with my emotions.

32 flavors

a dear friend of mine always shares music with me, usually pieces that she knows will stick with me. below is the most recent selection she's shared, which I'm really loving.




squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

naturally unattached

Have you ever watched a bird family? The adult pair spends weeks, months building and preparing the perfect nest for their eggs. Once they’ve settled on the tree, house, they labor every day gathering the right sticks, the necessary pieces of grass to craft a small work of art. Once it’s complete, they’re wholly dedicated to sitting on their eggs, taking turns, never leaving them alone, protecting their children while they remain so vulnerable. After some time, the eggs hatch, and again, the parents labor. They have to fetch food, protect their children. The ultimate payoff comes that first day when the little birds begin to spread their wings and fly. Sometimes they fall, sometimes they struggle, but eventually they soar.

I frequently bring this parallel between a bird family and my family to question. Some birds were born ready to fly; they’re unafraid of spreading their wings and taking that first leap out of the nest. Others take more time, slowly transitioning into the scary, unprotected world. They’ll leave and come back.

Naturally I wonder which is the better bird: the one that takes flight too early, or the one that cautiously approaches life. Where is the balance, the thin line between too early and too late?

I’m a flyer, a frequent flyer at that—my father and I joke that I was walking around on the ground below the tree long before my wings were fully developed. And while the payoffs of leaving the nest early are evident in my accomplishments, I’ve also lost some valuable development. I’ve heard it described as “fearlessness;” I’ve always labeled it as “naivety.” I’m not afraid, no, and I’m not dumb, but I’m still just a little bird taking to flight. There are challenges that come with the beautiful view.

As my life begins to take form, as the choices are more important and substantial than what to do Friday night, I wonder if I’m ready for these big decisions. I wonder if chasing dreams, a flight I launched years ago, is a beautiful challenge I’m prepared to handle. To what extent can I continue to uproot myself, for myself? What sacrifices are necessary, what sacrifices are selfish?

Then I remember, even a bird settles sometime, and while I took to flight early on, it doesn’t mean I’m ready to nest.

falling slowly - kris allen

i love this song. it's helping me get through the remainder of my afternoon.

graduated and unemployed...

It’s an interesting time to be a recent college graduate in America. For starters, you’re joining the workforce in one of the most powerful and influential countries in the world. American’s are lucky like that; they have opportunity, or at least a perceived opportunity ahead of them. On the other hand, America is facing one of the most difficult financial times since the Great Depression—or so I’ve heard. The current workforce—including those recent graduates—is comprised of some of the most prestigious intellectuals of all time. Not only is the job market tough, but it’s well-qualified.

I was lucky enough to get a head start so to speak on the dismal job market. A good friend of mine recently moved to the DC area and in his pursuit of a well-paid job, I’ve watched what I could be going through if I had waited to graduate. In an effort to aid my fellow graduates of 2009, I came across this article published by the PRSA on strategies for those graduated but not yet employed. It has a few key messages that can aid anyone in their job search.

rollin'

so, I apologize, I really dropped the ball on my whole seven posts promise. Things have been hectic.. but starting this week, I will actually take the time to blog.. weekly at the least. I pray that eventually I'll be up to seven posts a week and it won't be because of some arbitrary decision, but because I've been inspired to spend the time and share my thoughts.

purposeful and empowered

I might just have to subscribe to Esquire. In the 30 minutes or so that I spent perusing through the magazine, I was overwhelmed by the interesting elements to it—beyond the Ralph Lauren ad that actually kept me hooked (I couldn’t get enough of that scent, Black is my new addiction).

My attention was particularly captured by the Man At His Best (MAHB) segment, “Sex,” in which readers wrote in questions that some professional answered—not really sure who, I wasn’t paying attention. The first question (and cartoon image) related to a guy who finally convinced his girlfriend to let him take nude pictures of her—apparently the pics he took weren’t that hot… “she looks awkward,” he wrote. The response mentioned environmental changes like making the room warm, playing music and dimming the lights. There was also a mention of how she should position herself, and getting her “suitably, but not prohibitively wasted.”

Anyone who knows me well enough knows what this particular article/question was of interest to me. I have a series of theories about clothing, the gist of them all stems around the point that clothing is unnecessary and confiding. With that said, the article quoted Kathleen Rooney, nude model and author of Live Nude Girl: My Life as an Object. He quote spoke to the soul:

“It’s almost like nudity becomes a kind of clothing, so think of it that way. You’re not naked, which is vulnerable and accidental. You’re nude, which is purposeful and empowered.”

Purposeful and empowered. That’s how I look at nudity. It isn’t something to be ashamed of; it’s something that should be celebrated, comfortable, natural.

In western society, particularly in America, the body is treated as “bad.” I attribute that mindset to conservative values and the far-right religious foundations of this country. Regardless of where it came from, it exists. What’s worse is the newest incorporation of the body in mainstream culture subjects it to a tool of gratification, a simple object. It’s not longer celebrated as beautiful or art, like it was in ancient Greek and Roman societies. It is either rejected altogether—as awkward and uncomfortable—or objectified for viewers pleasure. I argue that a wider acceptance of our “nude” body, as opposed to “naked” would permit us to embrace the middle-ground appreciation of the human form. We wouldn’t have to be embarrassed by nude scenes in movies—you know what I’m talking about—or the person next to us in the gym locker room who insisits on walking to and from the shower naked. Better yet, where we don’t have to apologize or warn our roommates that sometimes we don’t wear a shirt around the apartment/change clothes without closing the door or in the middle of a conversation/walk around and undress at the same time… yes, I’m guilty on all three accounts.

In conclusion (which I’m using because it reminds me of writing five paragraph essays in high school), Esquire magazine is great reading. A true diamond in the rough. The next article, for example, shows real promise: “The Collected Wisdom of Esquire as it Relates to Drinking.” I suggest if you haven’t ever taken the time to flip through its pages, you consider doing so now.

Note: As I wrote this, I was casually perched on my couch with no shirt and talking to my roommate.. it doesn't get much better than this!